Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior (2003)

The site’s one reader will be happy to see reviews flying at an unprecedented rate. I’m striking back, Empire styles. One reason is that I’ve seen an abundance of movies over the holiday season. The holidays are second only to the summer for the time I spend most in a movie theatre. If you’ve got a lot of free time and there’s nothing to do then why not catch a movie. It’s a great way to spend some time during boring stretches. I’m not hitting the bottle every night, so I mix up my entertainment. My usually high standards for seeing movies also dip considerably during these time periods. During university it took a lot for me to actually get out to a theatre. Only movies that I really, really wanted to see and that I knew I’d like. So what trash did I see over the holidays? Ninja Assassin. Don’t worry; I’m not here to bore you with a review of a movie that you should never see. I had a decent time making fun of it throughout the movie, but it also made me think of my favourite martial arts movie of all-time, Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior.

It’s subtitled, but the plot doesn’t really matter. In fact, I hardly remember anything about the plot. Basically, someone steals the head of a sacred statue and our protagonist, Tony Jaa, who I will subsequently call Ong-Bak, has to venture far from his rural village to the seedy underworld of Bangkok. When you name your city Bangkok I’m pretty sure you’re expecting it to become a place of depravity. There’s plenty depravity in this movie. Drugs, violence, hookers probably, maybe a couple stray boobs (I’m working off memory).

Tony Jaa is a total badass in this movie. He throws down crazy martial arts moves that will actually make you get out of your seat and say “ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!” Seriously, seeing this in theatres was like a Def Comedy Jam. As if his moves weren’t crazy enough they actually do replays from different angles. When they edited this film they knew they couldn’t pick between the different angles and decided “fuck it, put ‘em all in”. It works.

What’s cool about Ong-Bak is that he’s a big fan of using his knees, shins, and forearms to deliver devastating blows. I’ve never seen so many knee smashes in my entire life. And he delivers a flying forearm smash that makes Lex Luger jealous.

Watch the first scene and you’ll realize right away that the movie will be amazing. It’s just a ton of guys trying to climb a tree and getting totally owned in the process. Of course our boy Ong-Bak dominates everyone, just like he does in the obligatory underground fight scenes that offer Ong-Bak with far too many willing combatants. These scenes make the underground Thai lifestyle seem crazy. You’ll be stabbed for sure.

I lent my copy of Ong-Bak out numerous times and my poor DVD could not withstand the wear and tear. I received it back scratched beyond repair. Fully nonfunctional. I was distraught.

I don’t know what else I have to say. This movie doesn’t need a plot because it’s so badass. Go watch this movie right now. It will have you jumping up and high fiving your friends the whole time.

Note: don’t even try to start ripping on me for loving Ong-Bak’s lack of plot, yet simultaneously criticising Avatar. I’m not claiming Ong-Bak deserves to win an Oscar for best picture of the year. It’s a fun time and because I don’t understand what anyone is saying I don’t get bogged down by bad acting or implausible plot. For all I know Tony Jaa is the Marlon Brando of Thailand.

Daybreakers (2010)

Vampires are so hot right now. Vampires. They’re solely responsible for the accelerated sexualisation of today’s youth. Well, vampires and that High School Musical guy. Listening to children fawn over grown men’s abs is off-putting to say the least. Conversely, the grown women that fawn over these jail-bait stars is also disturbing. Can you imagine how fast the cops would bust the pedophilia ring if a large contingent of middle-aged men hooted and hollered over a half nude Miley Cyrus? That’s why men only secretly lust after Miley Cyrus. Where exactly is this going? Well, it seems like a new movie dismissed the dominant vampire culture and returned the genre to its gory roots. Although, they still tried to get young girls to come see it because they busted out the phone book and dialled up seldom used actor, Ethan Hawke (Gattaca), of late 90s Teen Beat (or Tiger Beat, whichever you fancy) fame.

Ethan Hawke stars in Daybreakers, a vampire thriller/horror/action movie that actually starts off with a really cool concept. There is an unexplained plague that afflicts civilization and turns most humans into vampires. Humans are offered the chance to assimilate into the world of vampires and many choose to do so. Others resist their vampire overlords (because they didn’t see Twilight and didn’t realize how much action they’d get) and run in hiding, only to be hunted by the vampire army. By 2019 the human blood supply is running low as there are very few humans remaining. Vampire scientists are working extremely hard to create a blood substitute, but progress is slow. Cool concept, poorly executed.

At one point co-star Willem Dafoe (Boondock Saints) proclaims that their hideout is as safe as barebacking a five dollar whore. At that moment the movie decided to stop being serious and focuses on being outlandish. The movie goes downhill precipitously at this point. All the movie’s explanations to the problems posed in the first half seem illogical. I’m not going to spoil them, but if vampires were starving they’d certainly try what the movie explains as the vampirism cure. Also, instead of farming humans wouldn’t it make more sense to just have a mandatory daily or weekly blood donation? It seems like humans could live within a vampire society, provided they felt protected from harm and they made sure the vampire food supply was abundant. I mean your blood regenerates, vampires don’t need to drain you in one sitting. Maybe that’s supposed to represent humanity’s overconsumption or reliance on oil. I just thought it was a logical policy vampire politicians would swiftly enact so the allegory wasn’t very effective.

The movie also ups the gore in an attempt to satiate our lust for blood. In movies do we seriously have to see heads being chopped off and limbs being torn in every fight scene? It’s not that I have a weak stomach, rather it seems like relying on ultra-violence to distract from the gaping plot holes and poor acting is its main purpose. I’ve stated a trillion times that if we care about the characters then you don’t have to wow us with the visuals. The relationships will carry the movie.

One thing the movie has going for it is the visuals. Everything is really dark and bland, exactly what you’d expect in a world inhabited by vampires. The only real emphasized colours are the eyes.  They also do a good job of creating a believable society in which vampires would live. Instead of subways there are subwalks, designed for vampires to roam the city during the day. They drink coffee, but it’s mixed with blood. They drink wine, except it’s pure human blood, probably from some former Russian czar in the 18^th century.

Daybreakers wasn’t necessarily a disappointment, but it didn’t really live up to its potential. It’s a nice change from the current vampire genre and at least it was a better Willem Dafoe vampire flick than The Vampire’s Assistant.

The League (TV)

It’s mildly surprising that my first TV show review isn’t Roseanne or Ready or Not (I enjoyed the underlying homoerotic lesbianism pervading every scene). Although, technically I’ve reviewed both the mindless Degrassi Goes Hollywood and the fantastic Degrassi: School’s Out, but if we’re getting nit-picky then those are both made for TV movies and thus don’t count. So, today we have the first TV show review! Hurray.

FX is home to the funniest show on television (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia) and has added another impressive new show to its roster. This show is called The League and if you are a male who loves sports then this is a show for you.

The League is a comedy based around a group of friends engaging in a fantasy football league. Stop right there. You struck gold. Don’t tell me anymore. Right? Right. I’d watch this even if it was just a group of friends talking about their weekly fantasy football dilemmas. I’m a bit of a fantasy sports junkie myself and if you are too then you can definitely draw similarities between the show and your real life fantasy exploits. For instance, one character is badly burned by Antonio Gates one week and later in the episode has a chance encounter with the same man. If I met Evgeni Malkin this week would I tell him to get his shit together? Probably not, but I’d certainly give him a few dirty looks. That’ll show him.

While the show’s concept revolves around fantasy football, it is merely the glue that holds the show together. This is the underlying theme to every episode, but the show is actually about a group of best friends and their lives together and with their wives/girlfriends. Maybe I like this show so much because I see myself/my friends within the characters. These are cut up guys who rip on each other constantly. I’d say that the basis of any quality male friendship is sports and laughing at each other. The show also makes fun of marriage in the ways you’d expect, but with really funny results. Some of the girls even get in on the fantasy football action as one wife is the secret shadow manager for her husband’s team. Shameful.

The cast of the show is excellent. It features Mark Duplass (Humpday), Stephen Rannazzisi (Paul Blart), Paul Scheer (Human Giant, 30 Rock), Nick Kroll and Jon Lajoie (two up and coming comedians). This is a relatively unknown group, but I guarantee these actors will become stars in the next few years. These guys are hilarious and work extremely well together. The show is only semi-scripted, so lots of the interactions between the characters are improvised with great results. This lends the friendships a sense of realism and makes it seem like a really fun group of guys to be friends with. It also helps that there isn’t a laugh track to make sure everything sounds forced and hackneyed (I’m looking at you Big Bang Theory).

Unfortunately, the first season is only six episodes long. Thankfully, FX announced they are renewing the show for a 13 episode run airing mid-summer 2010. It’s a little hard to find on the internet since megavideo removed most of the episodes, but some dedication will eventually lead you to finding working copies.

Avatar (2009)

I know there is an Avatar review being close to completion, but for all anyone reading this knows I am the only author and it’s not the one I wrote. So, I’m going to throw up my review of Avatar and if there are dissenting opinions I’ll gladly post a rebuttal. Duelling reviews! What a concept (and a subtle call out!).

Avatar. The half a billion dollar, Avatar. The James Cameron decade long wet-dream, Avatar. It seems clear that it will break Titanic’s record for highest box office gross of all-time. Thankfully. I can’t believe people actually like that movie. It actually made Leonardo DiCaprio seem like a pussy. The same Leo that starred in The Basketball Diaries, Gangs of New York, and The Departed. In fact, because of Titanic I wrongfully assumed Leo was trash. It took so many good Leo movies for me to realize that Titanic was the aberration. Garbage for the masses. Anyways, enough of being a contrarian, back to Avatar. (Nothing in that paragraph could be conveyed without egregious sentence fragments and overall poor grammar – I’m out of school, no one’s marking this).

Maybe this review will get me some slack because it seems like everyone likes Avatar, but sorry, it’s not a very good movie.

Okay, to first get it out-of-the-way, yes, the movie looks stunning. It is a giant technical leap forward for movies. Every scene is densely packed and meticulously groomed, although I prefer sparsely packed and puppets. The film is playing in both 2-D and 3-D, but if you are actually seeing it in 2-D then you are wasting your time. You need to see this in 3-D and you need to see it in theatres. Seeing it in the theatres is just that much better of an experience, totally worth the $15. Despite being a totally fantastical movie, it looks and feels real. You almost feel a part of the landscape. As I’ve previously said about the new 3-D technology, it’s great. It’s very subtle and fantastic at adding depth to the environment.

If all you like is visual eye candy and explosions then stop reading this review immediately. You already know you like this movie. Stop reading this and go watch it for the twelfth time. I’m sure there’s another layer of insect dung on the bottom of the forest floor that you didn’t see the first time.

Now, for the actual movie, because you know that movies aren’t just composed of images. Usually there are stories and relationships between characters. Usually you feel things when people interact on the screen. Did I feel anything for anyone in this movie? No. Was there a good story? No. Did I know everything that was going to happen before it happened? Yes. If you’ve seen a trailer for this movie then you know exactly what is going to happen. It’s all right there.

Let’s take make the comparison of Avatar to She’s All That. An appropriate comparison. Freddy Prince Jr. takes a bet to turn a nerd into the prom queen, with the ultimate goal of obtaining someone’s resources (or something like that because I didn’t watch it). In Avatar, our hero Sam Worthington takes a mission to become a member of the Na’vi and learn their ways, with the ultimate goal of betraying them so humans can steal their resources. In both situations there is subterfuge used by our protagonists. Freddie pretends to be caring and intellectual, while Jake Sully (Worthington) pretends to be a native who is both caring and intellectual. Surprise ending is that both lady loves find out that our protagonists were just using them for their own gains, but along the way our heroes realize they are really in love (gasp!). Now they have to find a way to win their girl/giant-blue-thing back, although, in Avatar he falls in the love with another species through a remote-controlled body, so I guess that’s the only difference between the movies. Kind of like internet dating and banging a Japanese sex robot as you Skype your mate. Throw in some Fern Gully and you have yourself Avatar.

That’s Avatar’s ultimate flaw. The story is hackneyed. Seriously, when you see something done a million times don’t you just get bored? Sure, they do this in a really cool place and a lot of stuff blows up, but that’s just not enough for me. When Luke Skywalker fought Darth Vader for the first time it was intense because of the underlying emotional depth to it. The actual lightsaber duel was extremely basic, but it was amazing because we actually cared about both characters involved and were curious to find out why Darth was just toying with him (spoiler: he’s the daddy!). Did I care when Obi-Wan fought that Goro-robot in episode III (spoiler: he was an even worse villain than Jar-Jar)? No (although I did envy his beard growing abilities). If Avatar spent time developing their characters and making us feel something for them then maybe I would have cared about anything that happened. But I didn’t. In fact, I was more appalled by the inter-species banging that was going on (which actually made me think to myself whether I was a racist).

James Cameron was much more concerned with making something that looked sweet. Hey, this story writes itself, I’ll spend the next 10 years making sure this Na’vi pubic hair looks authentic. Unfortunately, the story already wrote itself many times.

In conclusion, go see Avatar. The visuals are amazing and it’s a decent time. I thought the movie was fine. But if you want to see its predecessor check out She’s All That. Look at this cast: Freddie Prinze Jr (during his apex), Rachel Leigh Cook (in the role that landed her the lead in Josie and the Pussycats), Matthew Lillard (that guy who killed people in Scream), Paul ‘Too Fast Too Furious” Walker, Anna “Vampire Boobs” Paquin, Macaulay Culkin’s brother (not Richie Rich), Usher (Yeah), Lil’ Kim (under 7 inches, um, sorry), The Shermanator (aka Troy from the greatest movie ever, Angus), and that guy from Mighty Ducks with the wicked slap shot. What an all-star cast. Do you think that Freddie Prinze believed that he would become less successful than everyone on this list? Yes, the slap shot guy from Mighty Ducks is Alex Ovechkin’s idol, so I think he’s more successful.

Kings Ransom (2009)

August 9, 1988 is a day that will live in infamy for Canadians. It marks the day that Peter Pocklington sold Canada’s favourite son, Wayne Gretzky. It was a trade that literally shook the nation to its core. If hockey is a religion in Canada then Wayne is Jesus. To get a sense of the fanaticism surrounding hockey you have to realize that the government contemplated stepping in and blocking the trade. People sent death threats to Pocklington and he still hasn’t been forgiven 20 years later. Poor Edmonton, the city Wayne practically founded, has spiralled into a meth and hooker binge that it has yet to recover from (or so To Serve and Protect would have me believe).

Kings Ransom is a documentary by Peter Berg (Friday Night Lights) investigating the development and culmination of the biggest trade in sports history. It’s part of the ESPN series 30 for 30, which is a set of documentaries celebrating ESPN’s 30^th year. These aren’t necessarily the 30 biggest sports stories of the past 30 years, rather, they are 30 stories that 30 prominent directors were compelled to make. This gives an interesting view on diverse and often obscure subjects such as the USFL and the advent of Rotisserie baseball (excessively excited for that one…seriously).

Berg shows an incredibly balanced and insightful look into the mechanics of the Gretzky deal. There are interviews from all major players in the trade, including Gretzky, Pocklington, Bruce McNall, Glen Sather, Janet Gretzky, and Walter Gretzky. I wouldn’t suggest that Pocklington is redeemed with this documentary because it’s clear that this was a trade that needed to be consummated for all parties, but his reasoning is certainly understandable.

Seeing the intricate details of the deal was interesting since the modern sports world is business driven and almost all trades have a financial component. This trade just happened to have a very, very large financial component ($15 million dollars exactly).

Since the trade it’s become clear that this was the best thing for all parties involved. It was especially beneficial to the game, which Wayne acknowledges played a role in his decision. After Wayne’s move South the game has exploded from 21 teams to 30, many of which reside in the Southern U.S. Well, that hasn’t necessarily been as successful as initially hoped, but they’re trying. Actually, they’re failing terribly, but let’s save that topic. Pocklington escaped financial trouble and the Oilers even won a Stanley Cup without Gretzky in 1990. Although, I’m sure this only momentarily subsided the bitterness and hatred surrounding the deal.

One of the most interesting aspects of the documentary is when Berg asks Gretzky about his regrets about leaving Edmonton, probing him about additional Cups he may have won with the Oilers. It seems as if Gretzky never really wanted to leave Edmonton, but he knew that he didn’t have a real choice in the matter, he needed to do what was best for the game.

TSN is broadcasting the 30 for 30 documentaries, although it seems they are having trouble finding time slots to play them all. So, I don’t necessarily know when each air and whether they will receive repeat showings. These are truly interesting films made by people very passionate about the subjects. This is abundantly clear in Berg’s filmmaking. Recounting the trade made me feel sad and betrayed. Maybe it didn’t do much for Peter Pocklington because I still hate him.

Not a movie review!

I’ll be back tomorrow (or maybe Thursday) with a review of the ESPN documentary on Wayne Gretzky’s monumental trade to the LA Kings, but for now I’m just trying to do some shameless self-promotion.

I’m writing another blog (because it’s not like I’m trying to apply to grad school or anything). Its focus is strictly hockey. I’m going to border on insanity more often and there will probably be less Degrassi references (maybe), but it should be fun.

Please check it out. It’s called 5 Minutes For Fighting.

The Warriors (1979)

It’s always weird when a little cult film gains a large amount of mainstream exposure. I was in middle school when I was first introduced to one of my favourite cult movies ever. My friend watched this movie with his dad for years and insisted that we watch it. The premise seemed pretty cool. Gang warfare set in 1970s New York City. The movie was called The Warriors and if you have any knowledge of gangsta rap then you will surely recognize it. Most notably, the video for D12’s Fight Music is based on it.

The Warriors is set in 1970s New York City. This is a time period generally considered to be New York’s nadir. There was an extremely high crime rate and rampant social unrest. It was a period of time during the American recession that nearly caused the city to declare bankruptcy. That’s right, an entire city almost declared bankruptcy; one of the largest and most powerful cities in the world. The New York City blackout of 1977 proved a microcosm of the decade in New York. With the lights out the city was plagued with looters and vandals who inflicted considerable damage on the city. This doesn’t even mention the widespread heroin epidemic that gripped the city or the Son of Sam murders that terrorized the city. Basically, it was a shit hole.

The Warriors begins with a meeting of the city’s gangs, instructed to send nine unarmed representatives, with the objective of achieving a citywide truce that would allow a gang rule of New York City. Interestingly, this is loosely based on the Hoe Avenue Peace Meeting between New York City gangs in 1971. While most of the gangs laud the idea, there is one gang who violently disagrees. Cyrus, the most influential gang member in the entire city, is killed and the Warriors are wrongly accused. After the murder the police swarm from all sides and the gangs scramble. The Warriors now have the unenviable task of retreating from the Bronx to their home turf, Coney Island, approximately 30 miles away. This will be difficult after a bounty is placed on their head for their alleged killing of Cyrus. The entire city is looking to kill the Warriors. It’s nine men against the gangs of New York.

Since everything was actually filmed in New York, there is a terrific presence throughout the film. You can feel the dirt of the city. It is dark and dingy. Everything was filmed straight through the night and there are many actual gang members cast in the film. Many times these castings were a result of offenses the crew made to the gangs. Things like being on a real gang’s turf in fictional Warriors garb didn’t go over so well. Neither did tagging fictional Warriors logos over authentic gang signs. Gangs take themselves too seriously. The Warriors clearly didn’t, as evidenced by the above photo.

The wardrobe choices for most of the gangs are clearly dated. The Warriors wear leather vests that fit in more with the aesthetics of a bathhouse rather than a knife fight. Granted, it’s the 1970s, so there aren’t many outfits that wouldn’t be seen in a bathhouse. Attire aside, this is a pretty badass movie. The fight scenes are not only satisfyingly violent, but they are often pretty funny. There is a lot of unintentional comedy in this movie that makes it so much better.

The Warriors has gained a considerable amount of mainstream success over the past decade. It has been made into a video game, action figures, and comic books. There are plans to shoot a remake in 2010, which I am vehemently opposed to. This movie is perfect as is. Why make another? Oh right, money. Obviously. I’m dumb.

Up (2009)

Pixar is one of the most successful film companies of all-time. Their movies have grossed multiple billions of dollars. More importantly, their releases are as critically successful as they are financially. They don’t produce movies that accept the Transformers criteria for success. The litany of groundbreaking movies they routinely churn out is impressive. The two least successful movies, A Bug’s Life and Cars, aren’t even that bad compared to most animated films. Well, A Bug’s Life is good, but I can’t defend Cars. This year’s release of Up proves that the animation behemoth is still the king. Up is more than worthy of being placed beside classic Pixar films like Toy Story, Monsters, Inc, Finding Nemo, and The Incredibles. I love each and every one of those movies, but Up is better than all of them.

Up, like most Pixar movies, has a unique storyline. It is about an old man named Carl Fredricksen, voiced by Ed Asner (didn’t know he was still alive), who has longed to go on an adventure since he was a young boy. After his wife dies he finally realizes that this is something he needs to do before he too dies. He has the ingenious idea of tying hundreds of balloons to his house and travelling to the wild of the South America. I’m pretty sure every kid has dreamed of making this a reality, but Carl has actually renovated his house to be able to navigate the open skies. Unfortunately for Carl, he has a stowaway on board his vessel. A local Wilderness Explorer and non-stop ball of energy named Russell has tagged along in order to achieve his ‘assisting the elderly’ badge, the only one he’s missing. Along the way the two are joined on their adventure by a giant bird named Kevin and a hilarious Dog named Dug.

Up marks a point of maturation for Disney/Pixar. It is the first time that the animation heavyweights fill their movie with a bevy of adult themes and emotions. A large portion of this movie is very, very sad. It is filled with regret, longing, and heartbreak. This is evident immediately as the movie begins with an accelerated examination of Carl’s life. I was trying my very hardest not to cry five minutes into the movie. The best movies are the ones that are able to blend both heartbreak and happiness throughout. It takes immense talent to have your audience on the verge of tears and then proceed to make them laugh hysterically. Up masters this difficulty flawlessly.

It is also clear that this is a very different Pixar movie when Carl strikes a mailman and actually draws blood. When I saw this in the theatres there were actual gasps of shock when people realized what just happened. This is certainly not your average Pixar film.

Of course since this is Pixar there is a wonderful goofiness and fun to the film. The jokes are funny for both children and adults and the movie is truly an adventure. The villain is dastardly, yet he is also one of the most human adversaries. This is not a Jafar character with absolutely no redeeming qualities. In fact, there are times when you feel for him and realize that he, much like Carl, is a man dealing with the weight of regret and a sorrowful past.

Pixar must also be commended for making a movie which focuses on a lead character who is senior citizen. The film portrays the elderly in a very positive light and for the most part shies away from easy jokes at their expense.

Another aspect of Up that is distinct is that it engages in the 3D revival that is sweeping Hollywood. I must admit I was very skeptical of this ploy before I saw the movie. I thought it was going to be as cheap and gimmicky as it was when 3D was first introduced. I was seriously wrong. If this is the reinvention of 3D then I fully support it. Instead of trying to create a ‘woah’ factor with 3D, the filmmakers use it subtly. It is used to provide depth to everything and works seamlessly. It actually makes you feel like you’re a more integrated part in the movie. Plus, they gave you cool 3D glasses in the theatre that made you look like a hipster.

In a few decades people will look back on this period in animation and realize just how special it really was. Up will be one of the films best remembered for its daring approach to animation. It respects its child audience, while at the same time dealing heavily in adult oriented themes. This is the second major motion picture of the year to take such an approach. Spike Jonze’s Where the Wild Things Are being the other. With two months remaining in the year I think that I can safely proclaim Up to be the best film of the year. It has also made its way into my top 10 favourite movies of all-time and possibly even my top 5! I guess I will have to see how it fares after multiple viewings, but at this moment that’s how much I love this movie.

Up is released on DVD and blu-ray today and is not only a must watch, but a must own as well.

The Men Who Stare At Goats (2009)

One of the films that garnered considerable buzz at the Toronto International Film Festival was The Men Who Stare At Goats. Prior to seeing this movie I was ambivalent towards the film’s main actor, George Clooney. The Ocean’s trilogy is decent and Clooney manages to straddle the line between likeable and smarmy. I’m really not even holding Batman and Robin against him. So, before seeing this movie I had no preconceived notions that could possibly influence my viewing.

The movie follows a young journalist named Bob Wilton, played by Ewan McGregor (Trainspotting), who is on the verge of uncovering the biggest story of his undistinguished writing career. He stumbles upon a story involving a secret military unit, composed of psychic spies, who have been trained to use their minds as weapons. They can allegedly walk through walls, make themselves invisible, and use remote viewing to find anything in the world. Lyn Cassady (George Clooney) is a member of this group and allows Wilton to accompany him into Iraq. The film uses flashbacks to show the development of the psychic spies and this is the only real interesting part of the story. The rest of the story is a meandering waste.

This movie is supposed to be a satire. Unfortunately, it isn’t biting at all. They use jokes that were funny 40 years ago when Stanley Kubrick used them in Dr. Strangelove. I can appreciate when movies allude to other great films of the past, but nothing indicated these jokes were anything more than cheap knock-offs. While the movie is absurd, it isn’t funny at all. I tried to laugh at this movie. I gave it a chance. I may have experienced one true laugh throughout the movie, but the rest were forced. Eventually, I just stopped trying and allowed my natural reaction of boredom to take over. This movie was horribly boring. The plot never really seems to go anywhere and when it finally reaches its climax all I felt was a welcomed relief of finality.

One thing about this movie that drove me insane was the continued reference to Jedis. The psychic spies were continually referenced as Jedi warriors. Most of the time this happened in the presence of Ewan McGregor, who played Obi-Wan Kenobi in the Star Wars prequels. The brilliant writers even crafted a line where McGregor asks what a Jedi warrior is. You know they just gave each other high-fives when they came up with that one. Get it guys!? It’s because he is a Jedi! Way too self-aware for my tastes and not even funny.

I cannot lay any fault at the feet of Ewan McGregor. The man saved the Star Wars prequels from being complete wastes, so I cannot say a bad word about him. However, my friends couldn’t get past his horrible American accent. I guess I just blocked it out. Furthermore, this might be the point where I turn on George Clooney. I was leaning towards thinking he was a smarmy snake trader and maybe this movie confirmed it.

That’s it. I don’t really even have enough hate to write anything more about this movie. It was really just a waste of time. Not even bad enough to give a good lashing.

The Boat That Rocked (2009)

This is a review for The Boat That Rocked which is being released in North America under the blatant and unimaginative title Pirate Radio. Apparently, they’ve also done some editing and cut out some scenes. Well, I did a little pirating of my own and I watched The Boat That Rocked online since it was released in the UK earlier this year. So, maybe there is a giant space squid attack that they’ve added to the US release that I don’t know about, but I’m sure my knowledge of the film will suffice if you plan on seeing it in North America.

The availability of music in the present day is tremendous. For a few weeks my itunes wasn’t working and I was lost. Basically, I was just too lazy to download another player and substitute my library. I could still listen to music on CDs, the radio, anywhere on the internet, or even my good ol’ vinyl. If someone says a band is cool all I have to do is a quick internet search. How did people live before the internet? Who knows. Probably in little mud huts.

That’s why the fictitious setting of The Boat that Rocked is interesting. It is set in 1966 Britain when the BBC, owning a monopoly on the radio market, played only about two hours of recorded music a week. I should note that this isn’t necessarily historically accurate and writer/director Richard Curtis (Love Actually) readily admits that it is not a true depiction of actual U.K. pirate radio of the 1960s. As a result people are desperate for music. I can barely stand dry British people in the small doses I currently do. I’d jump out a window if they were on the radio all day talking about Parliament. Maybe I’d listen if it was all about soccer hooliganism and pubs. But the 1966 BBC is the worst. Bunch of wankers.

To combat the fictitious tyranny of the BBC a pirate station called Radio Rock, hosted by a variety of colourful characters, begins playing rock n’ roll 24 hours a day. These are a bunch of brash, wild, party animals that take over the airwaves and force their way into the living rooms of eager adolescents around the country. Radio Rock is a huge hit since this is the 60s and the easiest way to hear new music is to either see it live or listen to the radio. The dour British government becomes incensed and makes it their mission to stop the pirates at any cost.

The story is pretty much what you’d expect. It’s fun rebels having a good time, while ‘the man’ tries to stop them. But it sure is a fun time. You can’t watch this movie without yearning to embark on a rock n’ roll adventure. It makes living at sea for months at a time seem like the greatest thing ever. In reality, the crew is probably rank with scurvy and the monotony being surrounded by sea would be maddening.

The radio DJs all bring their own unique styles to the airwaves. Phillip Seymour Hoffman (Capote) is in his finest Lester Bangs cool as The Count, the sole American on board. Rhys Darby (Flight of the Conchords) is hilarious as a British version of his popular character, Murray Hewitt. Nick Frost (Shaun of the Dead) plays Dr. Dave, a bit of a romancer, and doesn’t have to prove anything to me since everything he’s been a part of is hilarious. The rest of the cast is comprised of people I’m unfamiliar with, but they all work well in their roles. There is a great camaraderie amongst the crew that adds to the boisterous mood set on Radio Rock.

Obviously, considering this a movie about rock n’ roll in the 1960s, it would be remiss to ignore the fantastic soundtrack that accompanies the film. Songs from The Kinks, The Beach Boys, Smokey Robinson, The Who, Jimi Hendrix, The Supremes, David Bowie, and more are all well placed and add to the buoyant feel of the movie.

Many critics professed that The Boat That Rocked was too long. I disagree; I was captured in the merriment and wanted the good-times to last. However, Pirate Radio is approximately 20 minutes shorter, so maybe the cuts will agree with the North American movie-goers. Hopefully, Pirate Radio is able to retain the charm of its longer self. It’s a pleasant movie that’s a good way to kill a Friday night. This would be a perfect summer release where you have nothing to do mid-week and you find yourself at the local theatre. Instead, they forced me to watch it online.

Special preview starts tonight. Full release is set for next Friday.